One is NOT Only

For the past few months, I have been telling some close friends that I have picked out the title for my blog. Next, I progressed to letting them know that I am starting a blog…but I found myself feeling vulnerable and frightened. Vulnerable and frightened -those emotions have proved to be two of my biggest teachers the past few years. Being vulnerable with my friends taught me that even when I was at my lowest point with nothing to give back my friends still loved me-I was worth it. Fear… fear is a bit like fungus-but instead of in dark and damp it grows in dark and doubt. Fear is never a reliable counselor.  I still hesitated until one night my television made an ominous fizzling noise, blinked and went dead. Suddenly freed of the mind numbing distraction of football and endless episodes of  “SAY YES TO THE DRESS” and “BUYING ALASKA” , I resolved to start.

Today is the first post of One is Not ONLY– the journey of one woman trying to learn what ”to love yourself” looks like in everyday life. I kept encountering that phrase -“love yourself”- but I had no idea choosing myself would be such challenging work.

This journey began in 2010 when I found myself in the middle of an emotional spin cycle.  My sense of self was totally rocked by events impacting different areas of my life, occurring within just a few weeks of each other. I have had lots of practice through the years stuffing things in my emotional closet and then slamming the door shut. I was raised in the South, but I have always hated that often quoted line from the movie STEEL MAGNOLIAS “That which doesn’t kill us makes us stronger”. I was fairly sure it would kill me so I went with “what I pretend isn’t there can’t hurt me.” That old coping strategy just wasn’t working and things started tumbling out of the emotional closet. The combination of events that sent me over the edge-

• The empty nest-I have been a single mother for 15 years since I divorced when my daughter was 5 and my twins sons were 3.   My daughter had already moved away to college and now my twin sons graduated from high school and it was their turn to move away. I had been looking forward to having time for myself for years-I could not wait for an empty nest! However, I found the reality far different than imagined.
• Job change-Without warning I was called into my supervisor’s office at work and notified my position had been eliminated. I had held this position for 13 years and felt knowledgeable, confident, and capable. I was grateful to be offered the opportunity to shift to a new position, but it turned out to be one I had no background or training for. I went from seeing my job as a refuge to starting every day feeling overwhelmed and fearing I would fail. Failure was not an option because I had three children depending on me. I had to make this work.
• A broken heart-I had fallen in love for the first time since my divorce many years ago.  He was kind and a kindred spirit but also a nomad and did what nomads do-he moved on. Realizing this unexpected and intense romance had no future, I found myself alone , full of longing with emotions I had forgotten existed.

I found myself living out the lyrics to “She’s Come Undone”. What I failed to recognize is the Divine had decided that the time for healing had arrived and it would begin by yanking off all the band aids I had been putting over my emotional wounds for over 20 years. Who am I? What do I want? Can I do this? These can be exciting yet terrifying questions.

I was scheduled to attend a professional development conference in Phoenix, Arizona. I realized I desperately needed healing and there is no better place than the Grand Canyon. With the goal of resetting my focus, I scheduled 4 days of vacation after the conference. The Grand Canyon has a way of adjusting perspective. I had bought a 2 person tent at a yard sale a few years earlier anticipating the days when adventure would call my name again. So after the conference ended, I loaded up the rental car with the tent, my camping gear and hiking boots and headed to the GRAND CANYON!

I decided to start my first day with a big breakfast at the historic El Tovar Lodge which sits on the South Rim overlooking the edge of the canyon.  The first morning I walked into the lodge and the host looked at me and said “only one?” and I replied “yes, only one”.  She then took me to my table in the middle of the restaurant and I watched as three couples came in and were each seated at tables right by the windows overlooking the view of the Grand Canyon. I went out for a day of hiking the Bright Angel Trail , met some lovely big horn sheep and did not think anything of it except that I was definitely having trout again  for breakfast the next morning.

I returned to the restaurant the next morning and the host again said “only one?” and took me to a table at the middle of the restaurant. The tables by the windows were all empty…I just ignored the little voice in my head saying-“I want one of those tables next to the window!” and took the table offered. I finished my trout breakfast and headed out to a magical day of hiking on the South Kaibab Trail and then a spectacular sunset hike at Shoshone Point that I will remember the rest of my life. The final morning I walked over for a farewell breakfast at the El Tovar before I drove back to Phoenix for my flight back to the real world. I walked in and the host once again said “only one?” and took me to the middle of the restaurant. I thought about asking for a table by the windows, but was still hesitant to speak up. I watched as the host took couples and families up to the tables by the windows and said to myself “One is not ONLY!!!!”  I am not ONLY…one yes but not only. I realized at that moment that how I wanted others to see me had to start with the way I see myself.

This revelation was the starting point for my decision that I was 50 years old and who I wanted to be was totally up to me. What are me, myself and I going to do next? What do I want my life to be?… I have been finding the answer to these questions in many surprising places the past 3 years and am finally coming to understand the meaning of “to love yourself”.

Wherever you may be in your life, what challenge you may be facing…you are not only…you are one…and one person, one choice, one dream can make all the difference. Only one? …totally completely one.

©  Michelle Campanis 2015